GayToday 'Not Easy BeinGAY!'
6 min readJul 2, 2022
Feeble Old Man

The Back Tap!

Oy vey! I need to take a break from writing about the recent Supreme Court Decisions that have literally been shitted out by the Conservative Justices.

These Justices are not enacting laws. They are re-writing the U.S. Constitution to reflect the edicts of their Messiah, whoever that may be.

It is clear that these Conservative Justices are all suffering from amnesia; they have forgotten their oath of office, and their responsibility to adhere to the legal principles of Stare Decisis and Precedent.

Time to Switch Gears

And now, a break… Let us switch gears for a moment and talk about our favorite Former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani.

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy. My oh my. What has become of Rudy?

The Back Tap!

I needed a little laughter this week and thank you Rudy for entertaining us all.

As the story goes, which was caught on video, Rudy was campaigning in Staten Island, New York for his son Andrew, who was running for Governor of New York State in the Republican Primary. Andrew did not win the Primary; thank you Lord, something went right this week.

As I was saying… Rudy was campaigning for his son in a supermarket, whereupon a grocery store employee allegedly ‘tapped’ Rudy on the back. Now, I say ‘tapped,’ because that is what it looked like to a reasonable person watching the video that captured this interaction.

So, I was watching the news and Rudy was interviewed to give his ‘side of the story.’ First, I would like to address Rudy’s demeanor. Rudy was very calm, not erratic, totally muted. By the by, this is not Rudy’s public persona. Clearly, it was as though he were acting, trying to play the role of a feeble old man. In fact, his hair was not dyed brown… no, there was no brown shoe polish running down the side of his face which he previously sported as some new ‘fashion statement’ when he held a press conference several months ago in front of the Four Seasons landscaping company that just happened to be adjacent to a sex shop. Not to ramble on, but, how convenient to shop at the sex shop once the press conference was over.

Rather, for the ‘back tap’ interview, the three remaining strands of hair left on his shiny bald crown, were gray.

According to Rudy, “I got hit on the back, as if some boulder hit me.” He didn’t stop there… Rudy said, “if I wasn’t in better shape, I was lucky he did not knock me down, and hit my skull, and die… or got a concussion or got seriously injured.” Oh wait, there is more. He even implied to the NY Times ‘it’s a miracle I am able to still walk.’ Oh my goodness! What other injuries could this ambulance chaser have concocted?

Hallelujah for Miracles Rudy! He survived the back tap!

If I may, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Rudy made that statement on a television interview. To be clear, if a boulder hit Rudy, yes, it is possible he could have been ‘knocked down.’ But I hate to speculate. I would need to know what kind of boulder; size; weight. If we follow the boulder scenario, would the setting of this incident still be a supermarket in Staten Island? I just don’t know.

I don’t ever recall seeing a boulder in a supermarket. Are we talking about a boulder hitting you in Boulder, Colorado? Would this have occurred outdoors while Rudy would be hiking? Would he be wearing hiking boots? Does Rudy even hike on a trail where there are boulders? Just wonderin.’

Oh, maybe Rudy is using the ‘boulder’ as a metaphor… that the tap on his back by the grocery store employee should be equated to a boulder falling on you? I don’t know. This seems to be a farfetched legal theory. Right?

Let’s not forget that Rudy’s license to practice law is suspended in New York State. Question: Why is he not disbarred? Just wonderin.’

It is quite possible, if a boulder hit him, and it caused him to be knocked down and hit is skull, would he have sustained serious injury? We would need an expert opinion to determine whether there was anything in his skull that could have sustained any damage.

Note, in some jurisdictions, you take your victim as he comes. In this situation, if an expert deemed Rudy to be damaged goods prior to this incident, and the boulder that knocked him down caused him to hit his skull, die, get a concussion or got seriously injured, well, there just might be liability.

Then there is that but…

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, we must determine whether Rudy also played a role in this incident. One must ask, ‘did he provoke the grocery store worker’ to tap him on the back? Did Rudy misinterpret the back tap as an atta-boy? Did Rudy provoke the grocery store worker by his presence in the store, by merely breathing and speaking? I just don’t know.

Lastly, we would have to determine ‘what he is worth’ for compensation purposes. Rudy said he was an old man. At this point, we would review actuary tables and jury awards in NYS for people getting hit with boulders in Supermarkets, to determine what an old guy his age is worth. And watching all of his crazy antics over the last several years, probably not much. Don’t forget that press conference he held in the parking lot of the Four Seasons Landscaping Company, that just happened to be adjacent to a sex shop, where the shoe polish was running down his face. Apparently, everyone thought he was supposed to hold a Press Conference at the Four Seasons Hotel, not at the Four Seasons Landscaping Company. To make matters worse, it was in the parking lot of this company.

And you know, I haven’t even mentioned his alleged involvement in the January 6, 2021, attempt to overthrow the U.S. Government.

Just look at this guy’s state of mind. It is possible that his recollection of the events of the back tap do not correspond to the video tape.

I suspect in NYS, no one has ever gone to trial for a ‘back tap;’ received monetary damages for a ‘back tap’; no one has ever gone to jail for giving someone a ‘back tap;’ and to be clear, it is not a crime to give someone a ‘back tap.’

Better yet, if the boulder hitting Rudy were an ‘Act of God,’ well, shit happens, and there is no liability. You can’t sue mother nature or the Good Lord. As the good book says, some things were just meant to be.

But wait…when I watched the video of this incident, I did not see a boulder hit Rudy. I saw a guy, walk pass Rudy, and literally ‘tap him on the back.’ Did anyone see what the Grocery store employee looked like? He did not resemble Mr. Universe or the Action Figure Thor.

This tap on the back looked more like someone giving you a pat on your back, like ‘atta boy, way to go.’ A closer examination of the video revealed that Rudy, a Gladiator (not), barely flinched when the grocery store worker tapped him.

Rudy claims that his assailant was angry about the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v Wade, and thus hit him on the back. What a great opportunity for Rudy to try to make nothing into something. Now he was spewing shit that ‘crazy pro-choice people will start attacking people.’

The grocery store worker was initially charged with a felony, which was reduced to a misdemeanor. Before we know it, the matter will be reduced to a violation, and disappear.

Poor Rudy. The only injury poor old crazy Rudy sustained was a bruised ego.

Time for Rudy to retreat to his Dracula cave.



GayToday 'Not Easy BeinGAY!'

A Forward Thinker. Humorist. Realist. Author of The Admissions Game, Application Cycle 2020–2021. A Very Former, Assistant District Attorney.