Smelly Feet? Schweatty Balls? A Maui Vacation!

Paradise in Maui!

Smelly Feet? Schweatty Balls?

Maui is a natural oasis. Beautiful flowers. Spectacular waterfalls. Breathtaking sunsets.

Total Zen.

Our arrival to Maui was flawless. Airplane was right on time. Rental car was brand new. Drive to Hotel was fast. Arrived several hours early to hotel check-in, and the room was ready. Incredible.

Oh, and that room! High floor, sweeping ocean views, more square footage than a NYC apartment!

Late lunch was delicious. Pool side was heaven.

What more could a girl ask for? Oy. As the mamas say at the Mahjong table, don’t ask.

The Smell!

Somethin’ was rotten in Maui… at least in the master bedroom of this magnificent condo.

I noticed a ‘smell’ wafting from the master bedroom. Definitely not Chanel №5.

At first, we could not place that smell. Oh, and by the by, yes, I have a terrible stomach. However, I can assure you I was not the culprit of that odor!

Smelly Feet?

In truth, we just unpacked from a long flight, and at first sniff, the odor had a hint of ‘smelly feet.’ I literally was smelling ‘gently worn’ socks. Not long snorts, just a quick sniff.

You know it sistahs, just what you want to do upon your arrival in Maui.

Well, no one had smelly feet or socks or shoes. What a relief. Right?

I poo-pooed the smell (no pun intended). Thought we just needed to open the sliding glass doors to let in fresh air.

Several hours transpired, and a reasonable person would have believed the master bedroom was successfully ‘aired out.’

Cold Shower

Well…oh my gawd girlfriends. Don’t get me started! Then again, y’all know me.

I am not one to complain, but it would have been nice to have a hot shower. Not too much to ask for. Like, hello, this mama does not prefer, but wants, a hot shower.

Do you kinda get the feelin’ this hotel condo was all downhill from this point?

After I took my cold shower, I went into the bedroom to dress for dinner. And I was overwhelmed with a sickening odor. Damn! What was that smell?!

Clearly, airing out the room did not work.

Odor Patrol

I simply could not define that odor! What was it? Really smelled like sweaty feet; but was not. Oh, I know! Schweatty balls! That’s it! The room smelled like a locker room! Ah ha!

And so began the calls to the Front Desk, Housekeeping, and…the Hotel Manager.

The Front Desk

And the call went like this: ‘Hello, I have two issues. First, no hot water in my shower.’ The front desk person, politely apologized, and said ‘there is a problem with the hot water heaters. All of them.’

Well then, okey dokey. The solution: Grin and bear it. But really, she gave a little ‘chuckle,’ said ‘they were being fixed, and hoped to be repaired by the next day.’

Then I said, ‘My second issue is that my bedroom smells like smelly feet and schweatty balls; it really does.’

And the reply? Silence at first. Sistahs, think for a moment…how does a hotel employee respond to this select choice of words that I used to characterize this problem?

Surely, the front desk person thought I was out-of-my-mind.

Pardon Moi. Girlfriends, am I asking too much? A mama is entitled to a hot shower, and a room free from eau de parfum schweatty balls.

Oy vey. Clearly, that conversation was goin’ nowhere. I requested to speak to the Hotel Manager.

Hold your hats, we be goin’ for a ride!

The Hotel Manager

Poor guy. He never had a chance. I had him at ‘hello.’

Ask yourself: Was he blindsided by my call? Probably.

Did this Manager believe my accusation that the room smelled like schweatty balls? I don’t know. Although, he did laugh and remember the SNL skit! He said he would examine the matter. Not the balls, the odor.

Face to Face Meeting

As a skilled attorney, I prefer to discuss topics such as schweatty balls face to face. Once again, no pun intended.

I schlepped my skinny arse to the front desk, and asked to speak to my new friend, Manager Number 1. Oh, there will be another Manager that got pulled into this drama.

The housekeeping inspection confirmed the room smelled. What a relief! See… I told the truth!

But where was the smell coming from? The carpet? The armoire? The bed? The Manager winced at the bed option, which I agree is kinda gross.

Now it is Manager Number One’s turn to tell the truth. Or at least to start revealing some truthful details. Apparently, the condo sustained ‘some water damage’ from the Epic Storm that slammed Maui a few days prior to our arrival. The wall-to-wall carpeting in the Master Bedroom ‘got a little wet.’

The Remedy

The Manager deemed it best to clean the rug to get rid of the schweatty balls odor. Ok, maybe that will work. I am ‘up’ for that.

Masking the Problem

The rug was cleaned with a ‘cleaner/deodorizer/schweatty balls remover’ when we were at dinner.

Talk about making a bad situation worse.

The moldy carpeting was now doused with chemicals. And again, not smellin’ like a bouquet of roses. I wanted to go to bed with not a COVID mask, but with a gas mask.

Room Change

Here we go. Manager Number One is not working the next day. Meet Manager Number Two. He had a great idea…change your room.

Sistahs, this hot mama is on a very high floor. The only room available is on the third floor.

The nerve! I shan’t stay on a low floor.

Finally The Truth!

Once again, I schlepped to the front desk to talk to Manager Number Two.

Poor guy. My sharp cross-examination skills had him confess to the real issue. When the epic storm hit Maui, the room we were assigned at check-in, was not secured for the storm. At that time, the room was vacant, and the sliding glass doors were not locked. The master bedroom was soaked from the storm.

Last Ditch Effort

Other than ripping out the carpet, Manager Two worked with Hotel Engineers to dry out the rug and eradicate the odor.

Huzzah!

Mission accomplished! Finally, I can breathe. Not perfect, but no mo’ schweatty balls and smelly feet!

The Concierge

Bless the Concierge. They keep leaving me messages. They want to welcome me back to the hotel and to stop by their desk to pick up their complimentary beach bag.

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A Forward Thinker. Humorist. Realist. Author of The Admissions Game, Application Cycle 2020–2021. A Very Former, Assistant District Attorney. gaytoday.blog

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A Forward Thinker. Humorist. Realist. Author of The Admissions Game, Application Cycle 2020–2021. A Very Former, Assistant District Attorney. gaytoday.blog

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