THE HAMPTONS SUMMER OF 2021: PART IX!
Did Gay Survive Sistah Tracy’s Hamptons Workout?
I hear ya… y’all just dyin’ to know if I survived Tracy Anderson’s workout last Saturday.
Like duh! So what’ya think? I am writing this article, ain’t I? I guess I survived to tell the tale!
The Weeklong Preparation
Sistah’s, I ain’t nobody’s fool. I would neva’ eva’ dare to step into Tracy’s Dojo, and NOT be physically and mentally prepared for one of her in-person training sessions.
As you know by now, even though Tracy is my BFF…I shan’t publicly humiliate myself in front of the smokin’ hot mamas who regularly work-out with Tracy. If I may, these ‘chicks’ are bad arses- they be hard core Tracy. They don’t miss a leg lift or a butt pump.
Even though it has been two years since I worked out with Tracy at her Water Mill, NY dojo, there is no way in hell I will lag ‘behind’. Get it?
I certainly would not want to be the ‘butt’ of their jokes… Alright, alright! Can’t a girl just have some pun, I mean fun?
The Online Studio
Let me put my cards on the table, or my arse on the mat. I work-out all the time. If I do say so myself, I am in pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good shape.
However, Tracy’s work-out is a whole ’nother beast. I actually worked out with her online studio class two times to prepare for this momentous occasion! Fear is a great motivator.
Oy vey. Throughout the workout I was a-cussin’ and a-swearin’ at that fitness biatch!! My word! How does she come up with some of these exercises?
With all due deference to Tracy, we did chat about my online work-out experience. Her first inquiry, was “What level class did you take?” I responded, “Of course the advanced class”. Tracy said, “Of course you did”.
Smart people would warm-up with an intermediate level class. Not this headstrong biatchy sistah!
Back in prehistoric times, before there were online streaming classes, I worked out to Tracy’s DVD workout collection an obscene amount of time. So much so, that I memorized the workouts. Throughout the years, I have incorporated Tracy’s method into my own workout.
What does that all mean? I know Tracy’s workout, and I know what to expect.
Fast forward to today. When I will work out with Tracy, I am way older…like 57. My, my, my. I prayed to our heavenly GODdess to give me the strength to keep up with the other sistahs.
Girlfriends, all I can say is that I was a shiattin’ in my leggin’s! I knew what was a-comin’ in her class, and I was gettin’ noyvous!
Let’s set the scene. It was so freakin’ hot in the dojo. Tracy likes it that way… isn’t that special.
Oy vey. If I had balls, I would have sweat them off that morning. Oh, scratch that — no, I do not mean scratch the balls. I mean delete the ‘if I had balls’. According to my sons, I do have balls, so therefore, I did sweat them off in her class.
Yes mama, I was already chugging one big jug of water before the class even started to stay hydrated.
The sistahs in this ‘advanced’ class were ready for action. There was even a celebrity who came to work out! News alert, I met her years ago. I know, so cool, right? When I said ‘hi’ to her, she was so polite. She probably did not remember me. I know, what’s a girl to do?
And then the work-out began. So easy at first…lulls you into that false sense of security.
Then…wait for it… we hit the mats. Now the fun (not) starts.
And wouldn’t ya know it, after 2 leg lifts, I had a problem. Apparently my ‘mat’ was not positioned in the pre-marked spot on the floor. Like OMG. I was unaware of mat placement etiquette.
Unknowingly, I positioned my mat and ergo, myself in the direct line of fire of the chick in front of me. That is a very, very bad thing to do.
And honey, anyone who knows me, would expect me to create a fiasco.
Rather than focus on my own legs, I desperately tried to avoid getting hit with an ‘incoming missile — the chick’s sneaker’ that was heading for the bullseye marked on my nose. In truth, I’m not a fan of my nose. However, that was not the time for an impromptu nose job.
I kept on swacking, yes, literally swacking her leg to keep it from hitting me. Of course, that did not go over too well. So sorry to disturb your workout, but I felt my life was on the line sistah. Can we still be friends?
Girlfriends, I worked my arse off. I lifted my arms and stretched my legs in the most ungodly positions that could make a grown woman cry. Really.
You may recall in my previous article, I feared I would commit the heinous act of fart slippage during this workout.
In fact, I am happy to report, there was no fart slippage. A reasonable thinking person would assume that when your legs are in a 90 degree angle and you are doing at least 30 reps of scissor kicks, there would occasion for a teeny-tiny fart. Not a one. I think my body burned through any food hiding in my intestines.
Hallelujah! I did not share an aromatic bouquet with my sistahs in the class. Still chance to make a new friend!
The Finish Line
Yes! I finished! Amazing. In truth, it was wonderful to work out with a gaggle of hot mamas in our hopeful post-COVID world. To Tracy’s credit, everyone had to show proof of vaccination, and the DOJO was spotless. (Yes, I did inspect the studio).
And just when we thought the class was over, Tracy surprised everyone with a bonus. A professional choreographer named ‘Ski’. To be clear, I have two left feet, and dance more like Elaine from Seinfeld. I never had a dance lesson before.
Newsflash: I loved it! However, this sistah ain’t got no rhythm. At least I was blessed with beauty and brains.
My Fitness Plan
I plan to continue to work out in Tracy’s class this summer. I hope you will come along for the ride! To be continued!