The Hamptons Summer of 2021! Part I
BABY MAMA: COST OF A MASSAGE IN THE HAMPTONS!
Cute kid…right? Not my baby!
Oh, my word! I do declare my baby ship set sail a long time ago.
The one saving grace about menopause…natural birth control. Nature’s way of saying ‘mama, you be too old to take care of a baby 24/7’!
Amen to that my sistahs! Praise be menopause!
Babysitters for Hire!
Our masseuse is the most amazing massage therapist of all time. Yes ma’am. In the summer months, she is scheduled around the clock for massages.
I suspect this summer may be just a wee bit different. Actually, a wee wee and poopy different. She has a baby now! Mazel tov!
But wait! If she goes back to work, who will take care of the baby, a.k.a. Miss Izzy?
Math question: If the baby mama and the baby daddy both work on the same day, at the same time, who will care for the baby? Other than family, mama don’t trust nobody to watch the Princess.
The Aunties
You guessed it! Enter Auntie Gay and Auntie Linda. To be clear, we are absolutely not in any way related to Aunt Lydia from the Handmaids Tale! But we are the next best thing to family.
Welcome to Gay’s Babysitting Service! We have over 31 years of experience taking care of children! We feed ’em; burp ’em; change their diapers (yes, even the poopy ones); entertain ’em; walk ’em; and host nap time.
Yes my friends, this is how my BFF Linda, and I arranged a weekly massage for this summer. You gotta give to get!
Day 1 of Babysitting
The baby mama handed off the young princess, all of six months of age, at approximately 12:30pm. Princess Izzy was happy, fed, and had a fresh diaper. A seamless transition!
Auntie Linda trotted off first for her massage. Ta ta for now to Linda and the baby mama, who is now wearing her ‘masseuse’ hat!
Don’t worry! All will be fine. I got this!
The Puppy
Oh…pardon me. I neglected to say that Linda recently adopted a puppy. Yes, an absolutely adorable ten week old ‘pomsky’. A cross breed between a Pomeranian and a husky. By the by…my son cannot fathom how these two breeds mated (scary!). Regardless, he was the babysitter for the puppy while Linda was getting her massage.
We Got This!
Once a baby mama, always a baby mama. You betcha! Even at age 57! No problem! What could go wrong?
Puppy and Poop
The fun started when I saw my son on his hands and knees, crawling under a low lying Japanese maple tree. He was firmly requesting the puppy to “drop it”.
What was all the commotion? The puppy was eating poop under the tree. Hmmm. To experienced mamas who have had babies, puppies and husbands, seeing a dog eat poop is not earth shattering.
Too bad for my son; the puppy did not ‘drop the poop’. He finally made it under the tree, grabbed the puppy, and surgically removed the poop with his hands.
You can be sure he handed over the puppy to me and took a shower with Clorox. To be clear, he did not drink the Clorox.
The Baby
Babies are so cute to look at. Aren’t they? And then, after you are done looking at them, what next?
Oh…my…god. How soon we forget. The problem with babies, is that they just do not do anything for themselves. Kinda like husbands.
My fellow mama brethren, I put my mama hat on. I danced, made funny faces, played 100 rounds of peek-a-boo, and bounced the baby on my lap at least 1,000 times. No kidding. I even changed a diaper.
Now what to do? I checked my watch. Alas, only 40 minutes elapsed. Time flies when you are having fun. Hmmm. Almost 1:30pm. If recollection served me correct, that is nap time!
The Nap
Perfect idea! Tuck the baby in the stroller, and let’s go for a walk. Just as planned, baby immediately falls asleep. Bingo!
20 Minutes
What kind of baby is this? She slept for 20 minutes! I did not even have time to take a pee. Oh, my goodness! Now I have to figure out a new show to put on for the baby!
Tag Team
It is now 2:30pm, and the baby is getting a bit fidgety. I am confident she is overstimulated, overtired, and getting hungry. I prepare a bottle, but don’t deploy just yet.
Thank god. The other babysitter, Linda, showed up after her massage. I am so happy for her! So rested and relaxed!
However, the baby is now at Defcon 7, meaning she is a bit fussier.
Auntie Linda is now on baby duty. At 3pm, I finally got my massage; the baby got a bottle.
The Massage
Lordy! Did I need a massage! According to the baby mama, a.k.a. ‘the masseuse’, my neck and shoulders were so stiff. What could have caused that? Perhaps from bouncing the baby on my lap and holding her over my head at least 1,000 times in an hour? Could be.
Post-Massage
And the point of getting that massage was? It is now 4:00pm, Linda goes on her break. I am back on baby duty, and I have to prepare dinner.
You know, I do have another day job.
End of Day
It is now 5:30pm. The baby is cockeyed with exhaustion. Teething did not help either. Holding and rocking her did not soothe her. Next best thing. I put her in her stroller, gave her a pacifier, and pushed that stroller round and round on the patio until she fell asleep.
My wonderful BFF, a true southern belle, threw me under the bus and said the baby never cried with her. Does she have no shame? That Biatch!
I was so glad her poop eating puppy was kissing her face!
The Good Word!
The Princess slept through the night! Baby mama so happy!
And we get to do this all over again next Monday! Can’t wait to get my massage. Really?
